


Dormstuck

by Kilroywuzheere



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collegestuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-26 22:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kilroywuzheere/pseuds/Kilroywuzheere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert is starting up his life at university, his excitement over attending a co-species school is soon tempered when he meets his roommate, a very surly troll named Karkat Vantas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving in

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, the tags applied to this are not all there is to it, I just personally find it annoying when a work tags characters and ships that aren't even mentioned yet in the actual body of the work, so I'm not going to subject you lot to it. As more characters come up I'll add more tags, and as they hook up I'll add ship tags. Okay? Okay.

A young man stands alone in a plain dorm room, its walls undecorated, the furniture generic. He examines his new quarters, as he throws his duffel bag up onto the elevated bed. Its tall, there's more than enough room below for the desk and chair situated beneath. The young man begins to contemplate his new life.

His name is John Egbert, and boy is he excited to be finally be here. He's been pushed to get into a proper university for what feels like forever, and he finally got into the same one his best friends did, Skaia University. He decided after much soul searching and a few Nic Cage movies, nearly all of them actually, to go for a theater major. But he figured he'd have some sort of sensible back up plan, so he went ahead and snatched up a few computer science courses as a minor.

Before the human could even consider unpacking his attention is captured by the weird furniture displayed on the other side of the room. Well, only one bit of its weird, the rest is a generic wood structure like yours. The weird thing is the lump of purple Play-Do at the top. He moves to get a closer look, and realize its not really anything like that but dear god its coated in green sludge. He'll have to ask his roommate about this when he gets here. According to the sign in sheet its a troll named Karkat Vantas.

Excitement shoots through him at the idea of finally attending a co-species school. Its going to be so awesome. He knows next to nothing about trolls though, but the idea that he might screw things up doesn't even occur to the human as he finally turns his attention to his bag.

Before the student can get around to actually unpacking a figure comes into the room, carrying the rest of his things. Its his loving father toting around the rest of his things. The way he carries the entire trunk under a single arm makes it look easy, although the suitcase rolling in behind him kinda dispells the illusion of strength a bit. All his stuff's here now, his computer, his clothes, his books, even his pranking gear, which he stashed into the trunk when his father wasn't looking. No way he's going to college without the ability to enjoy the windfall of prankster's gambit that will surely come his way when the inevitable prank wars start up.

"Thanks for hauling all that up Dad. But I would've helped you haul it all up ya know," he says with a smile.

"I know, you're a big strong man now John, but indulge your old man. I wanted one last chance to be strong for you before you're off on your own." He sets down the trunk with a light thud, and props the suitcase up against it. "Don't forget to write."

"Don't worry, I won't forget."

"Alright well..." His fatherly aroma fills the room a bit as he pauses. Both the man and his son pause to take in the moment, the last moment the boy would have his father there whenever he needed. "I'll see you over winter break. Good bye son." He holds out his arms, asking a hug of his boy. The young man enters his father's embrace, taking in one final sniff of his cologne and the light tinge of pipe smoke that stains the man's breath. They hold on tight for a long while. "Don't ever forget John: I am so, so proud of you."

"Good bye Dad." They release each other and the father scoots out the door, the student is on his own til winter. John silently admits to himself he's going to really miss his father.

But now its back to unpacking. He looks at his bags and trunk. "....Screw that!" He quickly shoves his trunk into the closet, and hauls the suitcase on top of it, and rushes out the door to explore his new home. He almost forgets to lock the door behind him. Almost.

John figures he'd rather know where the toilets are before he really does anything else. It was a long drive and his father was nothing if not generous with car ride refreshments.

After becoming better acquainted with the toilets, John figured it was time for the common area. The halls are empty, the boy hasn't seen anyone but his father in this hall despite it being the third time he's been down it. He knows for a fact his sister came with him but were they the first to arrive?

The hall ends abruptly, emptying into a large room. He caught some glimpses of all the furniture in here, but its really not half bad. Couches and chairs litter at least half of the room, a few short tables between them, and a rather large TV hanging from one wall. The boy becomes distracted for a moment staring out the windows into the parking lot below. He watches his father walk to his lovingly washed car, climb in, and drive off. It hits the boy once more that he and his sister will have to fend for themselves now.

It takes a moment for John to return to reality, jarred back into the commons area by the sound of a cabinet door slamming in the little kitchenette. John's attention snaps to the other side of the commons, and the first thing he notices is the fact that whoever did that has a field goal post sticking from the sides of their head. They aren't quite that big but jeez how does the guy fit through doors?

"Hello there," John calls out. With an almost careful precision the other turns his head, managing not to hit his goal posts on the counter top, just barely clearing them. This guy was short. And oh gosh his skin is gray too. Oh wow this is a troll isn't it?

"Ummm... hi." The troll sounds nervous, his voice starts out just barely a squeak.

"I'm John, its very nice to meet you." The human approaches the new dorm dweller.

"I'm, well... Tavros. Its umm... nice to meet you too." His voice managed to regain some strength. 

"Wow gosh, I've never met a troll before. I hope I'm not getting off on the wrong foot here, what do you guys usually do when you meet new people?" John is close enough to Tavros to see over the counter now, and only now does he notice the wheelchair. The troll has a blanket draped over his lap, obscuring his legs. Wow nice going John. Don't stare, one wouldn't want to offend the troll. And even if that isn't offensive, might as well stick to one's own culture right?

"...I'm just, gonna go unpack now. Tinkerbull is probably, ummm... getting lonely." John wonders who this Tinkerbull is, as Tavros's wheelchair swings around, his horns scrapping the counter top. The practiced precision of earlier is gone as he rolls towards the hall John just came from.

"Alright Tavros, I'll see you around." Tavros nods his head in John's general direction instead of actually saying anything. After the troll is gone John looks around the kitchenette, its got everything you could really need, fridge, range, oven, microwave, sink, and of course, cabinets galore. All of which are empty. While searching, he notices the large table that takes up the remaining fourth of the commons, chairs lining it.

His thoughts return to the troll. He really expected them to look a lot less well... human. He kinda hopes huge horns aren't common, as that'd be rather intimidating on anyone actually standing. He's seen few pictures, he always figured the ones that made their way into human areas were picked for looking especially human. Perhaps they actually all look rather human.

Finding nothing else in the commons, he decides to follow Tavros's lead and go unpack. He'll get plenty of these halls later. He'll be spending years here after all, plenty of time to get sick of this place.

He returns to his room, passing Tavros trying to get his horns through a door by turning his head. So that's how he does it, kinda obvious in retrospect. He waves as he passes the troll, his bags won't unpack themselves, might as well not put it off. Nothing has changed since he left his room, it even still smells of his father's cologne. Just proof that his bags would indeed not unpack themselves. As John sorts out his things into the dressers beside his bed's support structure, thoughts turn towards all the adventures he's sure to have.

That is, until he hears someone at the door.

"Alright we're here crabby, you can stop getting antsy," the voice doesn't come through the door so much as barge in. Whoever it belongs to is one surly customer who is used to having to shout over everyone around him. His entrance is much like his voice, grumpy, overly loud, and abrupt. "There, I found my room." This must be John's roommate, Karkat. John doesn't take in much before his thoughts are interrupted by the loudest screeching he's ever heard.

Oh god what is that monster? He's never seen anything so big and pointy.

"God dammit, I am a big troll now, I can unpack myself."

John slowly finds a way to hide behind the dresser as the giant crustacean drops a couple of suitcases and screams some more. It's ear piercingly loud.

"Just get out of here you chum sucking crusty excuse for a lusus! I'll come visit your enclosure later just so you can stop fucking worrying," the troll accompanying the monster is shouting at it now. Oh no its looking directly at John. It whirs and clicks a bit. "No I'm pretty sure that sack of meat is my roommate."

The boy hiding behind the dresser is very very glad he visited the bathroom earlier. He really didn't wanna clean up whatever mess may have happened otherwise.

John really wishes he were someone else right now. Anyone else would be better than being him right now.

-

A young troll stands in his room, silently judging his roommate. A roommate who appears to be involved in a very intense game of 'don't piss yourself'. Its almost like he's never seen a lusus before, was this poor, horrible thing an orphan? Wow, the troll manages to drum up some modicum of respect for the cowering human if that's indeed true. The troll ignores him while looking at the piles of human bullshit laying about.

The nubby horned troll's name is Karkat Vantas, and he is a director. Or at least he will be once he graduates as a film major. Nothing will ever stop his horrible movies from being made. He picked up a few other classes to stay close to a certain other troll he knows too, mostly criminal justice. 

The troll notices the horrendous human films his dipshit of a roommate left laying around. Doesn't he know that troll cinema is far superior. At least it seems he doesn't have any romantic comedies, the human ones are just atrocious, even if troll rom coms are kinda horrible too. Oh he's got some programming books. Karkat silently hopes that this human's skills are better than his poor excuse for coding. The troll learned long ago never to compile anything he wrote.

But enough about this troll's delusions, his lusus is still fretting over him like some sort of human guardian. Its almost sickening.

"Okay get out nookstain, I have to unpack and hook up my fucking husktop." His lusus screams at him again, not too happy with its treatment. "No, fuck you. I can assemble my own shit." A few whirs and clicks emit from his crabby caretaker's throat. "I can prepare my own recupricoon, I'm not five anymore." After a short pause the white monster screeches once more. "Get out before I thresh you into chum cubes." Finally that horrible thing is leaving. Good riddance.

Karkat ignores his roommate and pulls out his husktop, a faithful little machine that has kept him in touch with a number of his awful friends. He busies himself powering it up in preparation for getting it onto the school's network.

God this troll's boring, he kinda wishes he were someone else just so he could have a little excitement in his life for once.

-

John's prankster's gambit has reached an all time low. It wasn't even this low when he was thirteen. It seems his roommate is in for all sort of payback. The human is determined to make it the prank war to end all prank wars. By the time he's done, Karkat's prankster's gambit will be as insignificant as an ant before a freight train.

But for now, might as well be civil, make a good first impression, make sure his guard's down. So that way your opening move will be even more devastating. He finally gets a good look at the troll that would be sleeping in the same room as him. His horns are short and nubby, and his clothes are baggy. Almost none of his gray skin shows through.

"Umm.... Hello. I guess you're my roommate?"

"Wow! Look at the think pan on you, I bet that deduction was pretty taxing."

"Well, I'm John Egbert, its nice to meet you Karkat."

"I know John, I am capable of reading the room assignments too. Because you see, my think pan is properly developed for a troll my age. Its like you feel the need to tell me just in case I got into a university somehow skirting the testing requirements, as I'm sure you did."

"Okay wow, thanks for spelling that out. I was just going to introduce myself. To be nice and all. Guess I'll just thank for for making sure my silly human brain could figure out how you knew you'd be sleeping here and get back to hooking up my computer."

"Okay you do that human Egbert. I'll be over here not giving a shit." And of John's worries about the prank war being in bad taste fade quickly the longer the troll speaks.

"So... about that giant crab monster thing-"

"Oh my god why do you insist on talking to me you shit stain? Is the fact that I have my back turned to you not a big enough hint for your dried out human excuse for a think pan to pick up on? If so then let me spell it out for you. Don't. Talk. To. Me. You nook sucking pile of behemoth leavings. Wait, no, that would imply I'd want my fucking lusus to drag you in on 12th Peregee's Eve. How about I just call you an asswip and we call it a day? I currently couldn't give enough fucks to come up with a creative insult right now. You aren't worth the effort." John tries to get a word in. Karkat's having none of it.

"Another thing: That 'crab monster thing' as you so eloquently put it happens to be my lusus, and while he is completely awful, I would prefer if you didn't call him a 'crab monster thing'. I know, I'll just start calling you human squishy thing from now on. That okay with you human squishy thing Egbert?"

John's desire to be anyone else has come back stronger than ever. How did he land this horrible roommate? What god did he offend?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade settles in as Rose and Dave arrive. Shenanigans ensue.

A young woman stands alone in her plain dorm room. She examines the bare walls behind her furniture, picking out places to stick up all her pictures. The girl's been collecting photographs of her wonderful friends for as long as she can remember, and there was no way she was leaving them all at home.

The young woman's name is Jade Harley, and she's finally going to get out of preparatory school, something her strict grandfather insisted on. Jade could not, however, get out of her grandfather's insistence on this school, even with her major completely undecided. There are just too many good ones, how is a girl to decide? She'll figure it out eventually.

Her phone goes off, a short remix of an old cartoon theme bounces around the room for a bit. She pulls a cellular device from a pocket in her skirt, and scrolls through the many colorful reminders she keeps there. The girl has a tendency to be rather forgetful, so she makes a lot of these. This one is to remind her that her roommate's going to be a troll by the name Nepeta Leijon. She'd not forgotten so much as pushed it from her mind.

Trolls and her never quite got along, she'd had many exchanges with some rather nasty ones online throughout her life. She's not very excited to see her previous interactions proven normal when her roommate got there. In fact, she'd rather not be around when that happened. She moves to unpack quickly, might as well get it out of the way before her roommate shows up.

She's shoving things into drawers and pinning photos to walls when he comes in. The odor of cologne, pipe smoke, and dog waft from the door. He finally arrived with the rest of her stuff, dog carrier included, probably after dropping off John's stuff. Really, John's father has been doting on her ever since Grandpa Harley notified him that her and John were twins. She doesn't mind too much but the man insists on helping out when she really doesn't need it. He sets all her things down, the girl can hear Bequerel panting in his carrier.

"You know I could have hauled all that up myself." She moves to free her faithful dog from his cage, he's been in there for hours after all. The cage is open but the dog doesn't come out, instead lifting his head lazily and looking at his owner before going back to sleep.

"Shush, you're family, carrying up your stuff is the least I could do." The young woman has heard that sentiment so many times its starting to get old. But at least he means well. She gives him a quick hug and kinda pushes him out the door before his fatherly smell seeps too far into her room.

"Alright, time for unpacking then," she says, pushing thoughts of exploration from her mind. There would be plenty of time for that later. But unpacking is dull, she kinda wishes she could be someone else for this part.

-

John is growing more and more frustrated with the surly troll he'll be sharing this ever shrinking room with. Pranks are sounding like a perfect thing to do to this tough customer.

"Hey KK. I thought I heard your voice coming from over here." A new voice has entered the fray, cutting off Karkat's words.

"What?"  
"KK why are you ranting at thith human?" The other troll has poked his head into the room, John takes a second to look him over, only to ignore all his features except for the high quality old style 3D glasses on his face. Wow trolls are weird if they think that's fashion.

"Because he's the dumbest shitstain I've met since we first started talking."

"Alright whatever. Think you can help me get my thit into my room? I'm having a hard time getting it through my door."

"Ugh, fine. But you owe me for this, and don't try to pull any of that two sided bullshit favors crap like last time. It took me three fucking weeks to get that shit off my ceiling." Karkat does not seem too pleased by this new troll's request. John however could not be more pleased that he will be able to escape his roommate for a few moments.

"Ith not my fault KK, you're the one that did it wrong."

"I'm keeping my eyes on you Captor."

"Wow KK I had no idea you were into voyeurithm."

"Wow, way to go. Find a way to make my statement as creepy as fucking possible. Nice mind you've got going there Captor. Any more double entendres you'd like to lay on me while we're at it?"

Their conversation fades as Karkat and this new Captor troll leave to go haul stuff into another room. John breathes a sigh of relief, knowing that if that had gone down much longer he'd have lost his opening gambit to a verbal slap down. Dave may have been giving the boy pointers but you just can't teach the uncool, and the young lad would much rather open with a strong move. John is going to prank the pants right off his roommate, and there's nothing standing in his way.

However right now the young man needs some breathing room and decides to slip out while his bunk buddy is distracted. John peeks his head out, noticing that Karkat is rather busy manhandling... or would it be trollhandling? Whatever, point is, Karkat's trying to maneuver a very very large chest into another dorm room.

"Holy shit why do you need anything this fucking big? My lusus dragged in smaller behemoth leavings!" John just keeps slinking past him, deciding that its better to escape while the way is clear. His sweet ninja skills are really coming in handy today. Even if those skills are just the ability to let someone else take the heat off him while he walks leisurely by.

The commons is still empty when John arrives, although he has no intention of taking advantage of this. Its about time someone went to greet Jade, welcome her to the campus, someone that wasn't your dad. Or, if his luck on the roommate lottery is any indication, whoever she was going to be sharing her quarters with. He made his way down the hall on the opposite side of the commons, not getting far before hearing panting and paws padding along on the floor.

"Hello Jade," he says as she locks the door behind her, Becqueril tied to a leash in her hand.

"Oh hey John. I was just about to come visit you before taking Bec out for a walk." She smiles at him, shoving her keys into a pocket. Her dog barks happily at John, although it seems the long drive tired him out, he doesn't do his usual request for affection.

"Good thing I beat you to it, you dodged a real bullet there. My roommate has to be the most awful one in existence."

"Oh he can't be that bad, can he?"

"He went on a rant about how he doesn't want to talk to me and then started calling me 'human squishy thing' since I called his... loosix or something a 'crab monster thing'." John raises his hand to make air quotes around the important bits of that statement. Jade laughs a little.

"Okay, that's pretty bad I guess. But I'm sure you'll find a way to make living with him more manageable. I have faith in you John."

"Oh yeah, I have major plans. This exchange of gambit will cement my place in the halls of pranking. I will be the PRANKING MASTER."

"I thought you already were the pranking master?" Jade makes her way to the commons, and pushes the button for the elevator. John stands beside her, waiting in tandem for the car to arrive.

"Obviously, but after Karkat's opening move I've got to prove my superiority in matters of the gag! He will rue the day he messed with John Egbert! Pranks are serious business Jade." She giggles a bit at the boy's enthusiasm.

"Well just be careful. I'm pretty sure this Karkat won't be as gung ho as Dave is about your pranks."

"The man just doesn't know when to give up huh? Some day he'll learn his lesson about messing with he who holds all the prankster's gambit." John's words come to an abrupt halt when the doors to the elevator open to reveal a familiar young woman. She drags behind her a few rolling bags. "Ummm... Hi Rose."

"Hello John, and a hello to you as well Jade," she replies tactfully, almost business like, some of her usual playfulness gone.

"Hey Rose! Its been a while hasn't it?" Jade's still got her usual enthusiasm, its kind of refreshing after dealing with Shouty McFuckass.

"It certainly has. For you as well John." John remains silent while the girls continue talking.

"Well I'm about to go explore the campus a bit and take Bec for a walk. Care to come along?"

"No thank you, I'd rather settle in and unwind a bit, driving here with my mother is rather nerve wracking. No grand adventures for me I'm afraid."

"Awwww.... Alright Rose, I'll drop by later to say hello." As Jade says this she pulls out her phone and starts typing in a new reminder. Rose smirks at this gesture while John rolls his eyes.

"Alright, you're welcome any time. Either of you." And with that, she pushes past the twins, and makes her way to her room. When she's finally out of sight, Jade punches John in the arm.

"C'mon, why didn't you talk to her? She's your friend isn't she?" She walks onto the elevator, dragging the still panting Bec along for the ride. John shuffles in behind her, rubbing his shoulder.

"Don't worry about it." The doors close, the two of them stand alone in an elevator now.

"Uuuuuuugh. John why are you being so cagey about this? I swear, every time Rose comes up lately you get all quiet and refuse to talk about it. What is your deal?" She's starting to get into his face now, and she looks rather irritated.

"Maybe I don't wanna talk about it Jade. Did you think of that?" John gets right back in her face for a bit. "Sorry just..." The doors open, John clearly trying to collect his thoughts while they walk into the lobby, a few students coming and going or just lounging about. He opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by the familiar sound of a song that's been remixed so hard you can scarcely tell what the original was.

"Oh my god you still use his shitty music as your ringtones." Jade quickly brings the phone out of her pocket and brings it up to her ear.

"Hey cool kid," she says in a joyful tone John's come to suspect is reserved especially for his best friend.

"You know his music sucks right?"

"Shush John I'm on the phone. Sorry about that Dave. Yeah we're in the lobby right now, I'll drag him along. See you soon. Bye!" She hangs up, John rolling his eyes. "He wants help lugging his stuff upstairs."

"How much stuff did he even bring?"

"Enough that he'd need help?" Jade shrugs and ushers both John and Bec through the doors. She stops to let Becqueril water the grass while John looks around for Dave's ride.

Its not long before he spots Dave Strider's "completely pimped out" minivan, the cool kid himself leaning on the sliding door. Its so hooked up it even has DVD players in the back so you can watch Sponge Bob. John makes his way over, not waiting for the dog to get done with his business.

"Hi Dave, driving the kids to soccer practice again?" John asks, waving down his best bro.

"You know it. Dropped them off an hour ago. Gonna have to go by later and make sure they get their snackies. Can't have lil' kids going hungry now can I? All with their orange slices and milk. Can't supply enough of it for the little monsters." This is one cool kid alright. John opens his mouth but Dave cuts him off. "In before Mandel reference."

"Dammit Strider!"

"I swear you're so predictable sometimes man."

"Whatever you say Mr. Irony all the time." Dave opens his mouth, this time being drowned out by John. "Only predictable for ironic purposes."

"I'm only predicta- Oh watch as I start repeating after you to make it look like you caught me." So smooth. "Anyway, I've got a lot of crap to haul upstairs. I hope you packed your muscles Egbert, wouldn't want Jade to show you up now would you?" Jade's finally making her way over, a freshly glistening spot of grass near where she stood before.

"Oh don't worry Dave, I assure you my manliness is ready for action. But the real question is... Do you really trust the pranking master with your stuff?"

"Oh god this shit again. John, let me spell it out for you. You are. The worst prankster ever. People look at your pranks and ask 'Who even thought this was funny?' Egbert that's who. You are legendary in the pranking world, but only for being so god awful at it. They are on par with natural disasters, after the last one someone called the president himself. Told him that they needed FEMA or some shit out here to teach some pathetic kid how to properly get someone's goat." John readied his retort, but Jade got in the way before they could continue their witty banter.

"Long time no see Dave!" She'd have probably knocked him over with her hug if he wasn't already slumped in his trademark cool kid way against his van. He gives her a quick hug back, looking around to make sure no one important saw that. "We should probably get your stuff inside before you two start really getting silly shouldn't we?"

"Good idea Harley. I have so much shit to haul it makes your poop machine on that leash look like a slacker. I hope you brought enough plastic baggies to carry all this around." She laughs a little too hard at that joke. It wasn't even that good, nothing like the gems John flings around on a regular basis. He finally opens up the van, revealing the veritable mountain of stuff inside.

"How do you plan to fit all this in your room? Let alone how do you plan to do it so your roommate won't complain." John's voice is exasperated, probably more by the aspect of having to do this much work and less by Dave's expectation of having a veritable plethora of space.

"What are you talking about bro?" he says, pulling out a few suitcases, setting them down before pulling out a few more things, including his turntables and a few other musical accompaniments. It seems most of this shit load of stuff just lives in the car. John looks at the small pile of things Dave wants hauled upstairs. There's enough here to need at least two people in one trip, if you're really pushing it.

"Oh. Never mind." Dave closes the van door and locks it up, a loud beep echoing around the parking lot to signal it is, in fact, locked. Everyone's ears are ringing, and Bec cowers behind Jade's legs for a moment letting the echoing alert fade before coming back out. John looks at the heavy bags and boxes he'll be dragging into Dave's room, wishing someone else could do this for him.


End file.
